Harry Potter at the Oscars
by Loki Palmer
Summary: The Academy has one more shot to give the Harry Potter series an Oscar.  In the meantime, what if the characters showed up for an Oscar Ceremony among themselves?
1. Chapter 1

"**Harry Potter at the Oscars"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. It is amazing to note that four of the films in the Harry Potter series have been nominated, but none has won an Oscar. The Academy has one more chance to give an award – naturally, we Harry Potter fans will be waiting on the edge of our seats …**

**In the meantime comes the interesting fanfic question, "What if the Harry Potter characters were to show up for an Oscars ceremony among themselves?"**

**To my Muse: yeah, you can tell everybody this is your song (though technically, it's more like OUR song …)**

**First off, a bit of time with the Host and Hostess before the ceremony ...**

**Chapter 1**

Knock, knock, knock. "Loki, are you in there?"

"Angel, is that you? Come on in."

Angel walked into the room to see Loki with his head in his hands. "Loki, what's wrong? You nervous or something?"

"What does it look like? Of course I'm nervous! We're both about to give an awards ceremony out there – how do I know I won't make myself look like a total idiot out there?"

"Loki, dear, look at me." He didn't lift up his head, so she grasped his chin and lifted it so she could see his blue eyes. "Loki, I know you won't make yourself look like an idiot for two reasons. First of all, you aren't a total idiot. If anything, you're a genius."

"No, I'm not –"

"Yes, you are a genius – don't sell yourself short! Where's that Gryffindor bravery that would send the Pureblood bigots running for their lives? Where's the Hufflepuff loyalty to your fans and to your friends? Where's the Ravenclaw intelligence and hunger for knowledge? Most important of all, where's that psychotic Slytherin smirk you have on your face before you pull off an amazing prank on a character you hate? You have all that and so much more!"

"Thanks for your vote of confidence. What's the second reason?"

"The second reason is that I'll be with you in this."

"You will?"

"Every step of the way, Loki. Now, get your dress shirt and jacket on, and let's see how good you look."

Loki did so, noting how the color of his shirt complimented his eyes. Knocking back a couple more cups of Coca-Cola, he looked at himself in the mirror and whistled. "Wow – I'm looking good."

"Now, get your Cute Catholic Ass out there, you stud."

Smirking, he said, "No, the Cuter Catholic Ass goes first."

Laughing, she gave him an affectionate swat on the arm. "Prat."


	2. Chapter 2

"**Harry Potter at the Oscars"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.**

**Chapter 2**

"And now," said the announcer, "wizards and witches, please welcome your host and hostess for this Oscars ceremony, Loki and Angel!"

When the storm of applause died down, Loki said, "Thank you. You don't know how much it means to the both of us to host this awards ceremony. Over the course of this series based off of the life of Harry Potter, we have seven books of 4,100 pages total of literary text translated into eight films of 1,180 minutes of film total. That translates to … Angel, where did I put my calculations figures?"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Loki, you calculated these just a few minutes ago, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did, Angel … ah, here it is … it translates to 19 hours and 20 minutes of film, which is an amazing feat. Watching all of them in a marathon fashion would take you about two or three days."

"No, it wouldn't, Loki, it would take you less than one day."

"That's with BREAKS, Angel. Even with all the caffeine in the world, I would need some rest, as would my DVD system."

"Of course, none of this would have been possible without our dashing young hero -"

"Receiving the Greatest Hero award –"

"We all know who he is – "

They both said, "Harry James Potter, come on down!"

Stepping up to the stage, Harry said, "Thank you so much, but this award doesn't belong to me alone. Without my friends standing by my side – Hermione, Ron, Neville, and many more than I can count – Lord Moldyshorts would have killed me a long time ago."

Loki snorted. "Moldyshorts? That's a new one, Harry."

Harry grinned. "I know. Classic, isn't it, Loki?"


	3. Chapter 3

"**Harry Potter at the Oscars"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling.**

**Okay, it turns out I made a mistake. It turns out that SIX of the films have been nominated for Oscars – including "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II." The problem is that none of the categories for this one are ones that we care about. Best Makeup? Please … Emma Watson and Evanna Lynch don't need makeup to look good! ;) Visual effects? Sure, those are nice, but so what? And what's the third one? Best Art Direction? What the heck? Where's Alan Rickman's nomination for Severus Snape? Ralph Fienne's nomination for Lord Snake-Face? Is the famous Gryffindor Trio of Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint too young to win a freaking Oscar? (Elitist, aristocratic, snobbish pricks …)**

**Chapter 3**

Loki's face was clouded in a shadow as he read a note he had received. Looking up from his reading, he said to the stagehand, "First, you can tell the Academy that they can kiss my Pissed-off Papist Posterior. Also, can you get me a Coca-Cola?"

The stagehand shook in fear on seeing the anger in Loki's eyes. "Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes sir."

When he came back with the Coca-Cola, Loki's eyebrows rose. "Hey, kid! Did I ask you for a Diet Coke?"

"S-s-s-s-s-s-sir?"

"Did. I. Ask. You. For. A. Diet. Coke?"

Uh-oh. Frightening psychotic explosion coming in five … four … three … two …

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-no sir."

… one …

"YOU STUTTERING LITTLE MOTHERLOVING RETARD, YOU'RE** RIGHT** THAT I DIDN'T ASK FOR A DIET COKE! WHEN I ASK FOR A SODA, I MEAN REGULAR, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED TO GO ON A DIET? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT?"

"No, sir!" said the stagehand, who was cowering. Loki threw the can of Diet Coke at him, the message too clear: "Bring me back a **REGULAR** Coke, AND MAKE IT SNAPPY!" When he brought Loki the Coke, Loki said, "There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Can you bring Angel a Coke as well? She's going to need it after she reads this."

He fell into an armchair with a sigh. Angel noted this. "Is there something wrong, Loki?"

"It's the American Asshole Academy of Motion Pictures … they just delivered me this note."

"Oh, really? What did those elitist, arrogant, aristocratic, snobbish pricks have to say?"

"Read for yourself." She did, as the trembling stagehand brought her Coke and ran out like the Devil was after him. When she looked up at Loki, the mask of fury she wore spoke of an impending Howler that she would give the Academy – if Loki chose to unleash her. Loki didn't blame her, because he wanted to give these pricks a piece of his mind – maybe even a prank or two.

"Shoot the messenger," he thought. "No, don't shoot the messenger. Hold him hostage instead. Make the Academy sweat until they can give the series a nomination that counts for something. Would anvils work? Why not send Bella-bitch after them? Oh, right, she's dead, and so is Lord Moldyshorts. Good help is so hard to find these days ..."

"Loki?" said Harry. "We're curious – what is that note all about?"

Loki waved him off. "I'll tell you in a bit … now, what award were we going to do next, Angel?"

She smiled. "Loki, you are gong to love this next award: it's for the ladies."

"Dear, can you be a little more specific?"

"This next award goes to the Hottest AND Smartest witch. The nominees are: Hermione Granger ..." the crowd applauded, "and Luna Lovegood ..."

"What about Ginny?" said Molly Weasley.

"Well, Mrs. Weasley, even though Ginny is smart, from my point of view, she's pretty in a little sister kind of way," said Loki.

"Do you have something against redheads, Loki?" said Angel.

"No, Angel, I don't have any problems with a female's hair. I don't care if she's a blonde, brunette, redhead – it doesn't matter."

"So why don't you think Ginny's hot?"

"Well, dear, trying to look at it from Harry's point of view – she looks like his mom." With that, a screen came down. On the left side side was a picture of Lily Potter, and the right side had a picture of Ginny. The crowd, upon seeing it and the similarity, let out a gasp of shocked disgust. "Do you see my point?" Angel nodded. Her face looked green, as did the faces of the crowd. "Put the screen away."

Angel's face returned to normal. "I can't believe Rowling paired up Harry and Ginny. It makes even less sense to me that they ended up together in the movies – Bonnie Wright doesn't even get much screen time!"

"Yep, Sigmund Freud would have a field day looking through the series," said Loki. "And now … the award for the Hottest and Smartest Witch goes to –" he opened the envelope, only for his eyes to widen at the name within "– excuse me, darling, are we sure this name is right?"

"Yes, hot stuff, it is right – read the name already!"

Loki hopped up and down like an excited kid at Christmas. "Hermione POTTER!"

Hermione came up and hugged Loki, then Angel, as she accepted the award. "Thank you two so much for this award."

Loki smiled. "Thank you, Hermione, for showing us that it is possible to be smart AND beautiful at the same time. It's sad to say, but that seems to be a rarity these days. You and Angel are shining examples of this rarity."

"Thanks again, Loki, but I'm curious about something. Between me and Angel, which would you say is prettier?"

"No contest, Hermione. Angel is the prettier one."

There was a collective gasp of "Aw" going through the crowd. Angel grabbed Loki and hugged him for all he was worth, as he said, "Hmm … this feels nice … did I pass the test, dear?"

Much to his shock, she kissed him. "Loki, you silly young man, if it was a test, you passed it with flying colors."

"You two make a cute couple!" said Hermione.

Harry cleared his throat. "While congratulations are in order, I still have to ask: Loki, what did that note say?"

"The Academy nominated the film 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II' for three awards: Best Makeup, Best Art Direction, and Best Visual Effects. No nominations for Best Picture, Best Actor or Actress, Best Supporting Actor or Actress, none of the categories we care about have any nominations from this film. That's my summation of the note."

There was a murmur from the audience, but Harry silenced it by putting his hand on Loki's shoulder. "Loki, who cares what those snobbish critics have to say? The fans are what matter. The series may, or may not win an Academy Award, but that's okay, because it has inspired the imagination of the many people who have seen it and it has made their lives richer for the experience. As for this 'fanfiction' thing that Hermione's been telling me about, you're doing great. Keep it up."

**Author's Note: Well, that was a fun chapter to write ... ;) Not to mention my birthday's coming up! February 1st! WOO-HOO-HOO!**


	4. Chapter 4

"**Harry Potter at the Oscars"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I didn't see the 2012 Oscars, having what I call Sunday Night Comedy to watch … but I read about the results online later on. Of course, I wasn't happy, and Our Host isn't happy either …**

**Chapter 4**

"Loki? Loki? LOKI, OPEN UP THIS DOOR!"

There was no response.

"Loki?"

There was still no response. Angel turned to Hermione. "Hermione, why won't he open?"

"I have no idea. Harry, can you go in first?"

Harry pulled out a small piece of metal and used it to jimmy the door's lock. "Allright, I've got it. Madam Pomfrey, are you standing by?"

"Aye, Mr. Potter. Call me in if there's a problem."

"Will do. I'll be right back, ladies."

Walking in, Harry saw an empty wine bottle on the ground near Loki, who was plastered onto the couch. He checked his wrists for a pulse, and to his relief, he found one. "He's got a pulse!"

"Harry, is he decent?"

There was an outraged "HERMIONE!" from Angel.

"Yes, he is, ladies, he's just drunk, I think. Come on in."

Loki opened up his bleary eyes. "Harry? Hermione? Angel? Oh, my head ..."

"Loki, dear, why did you shut me out like that?"

"I didn't want you seeing me like this."

Harry shook his head. "Dude, you drunk an entire wine bottle. What was the occasion?"

"Those bloody elitist snobs at the Academy gave us NO Oscars. NOT A SINGLE, BLOODY, MOTHERLOVING OSCAR FOR ALL OF DAN, EMMA AND RUPERT'S HARD WORK OVER TEN YEARS!"

"And so you almost drunk yourself to death? Loki, that wasn't very smart," said Hermione.

"So? I remember one night I drunk four cans and one bottle of beer, and I wasn't depressed then. The hangover I had then lasted for an entire morning."

"Well, Loki, this is no way to get through your depression. What you need to cheer you up is a good old prank," said Harry with a smile.

"Did somebody say 'prank'?" said a young man who entered. Brown hair, merry green eyes, it could be none other than …

"Benji! What brings you out here?"

"Oh, there has been some talk of pranking the Academy for its snub of Harry Potter. I stopped by Warner Brothers and got some of their characters to help us out."

"Which ones?"

"Eh ..." said a bunny chewing a carrot, "what's up, Doc?"

"Why is it always that rabbit who is introduced first? Whatever happened to the duck?"

"I don't know, Señor Duck, but he's just more popular than you, I guess," said a mouse.

"Oh, thanks a lot, Speedy. That makes me feel better … NOT!"

Loki's eyes widened in some surprise. "This is surreal. Am I still drunk?"

An irate Daffy smacked him. "Can a drunken hallucination smack you, bub?"

"I guess not."

Madam Pomfrey came in. "Well, Loki, here's a Hangover Potion to help you out."

"Thanks, Madam Pomfrey." He drank it and his face soured as if he swallowed a lemon. "I have to admit, that tastes nasty."

"Well, dearie, I think making it taste sweet would defeat the purpose, don't you agree?"

"I see your point."

"I would recommend that you don't get behind the wheel anytime soon until your system clears."

"Oh, please … I don't trust myself behind the wheel even when I'm sober."

Some minutes later, Loki, Benji, Bugs, Daffy and Speedy were making a delivery to the Academy. After finishing the delivery, Speedy led the running with an "Andale, andale, arriba, arriba, yeeha!"

"Speedy, wait up!"

Getting back inside their vehicle, Daffy spoke to Loki. "Hey, Loki, can I take the wheel?"

Bugs said, "Eh … I don't know if that's a good idea, Loki … Daffy can be crazy behind the wheel."

"I don't care who's behind the wheel, but I'm not taking it. We just need to get a good distance away before Benji sets the package off."

"Allright, Loki … don't say I didn't warn you … oh, and you might want to put on your safety belt ..."

"Get ready to set it off, Benji!"

As Daffy set off like a speed demon, Benji set off the package they delivered. The explosion was not an explosion of flame, but of sound as the voices of Angel and "Hurricane" Molly Weasley shouted a large number of insults at the Academy. It was so loud, it could be heard all the way to Washington, D.C., setting a record for the Loudest Howler Ever! Not to mention the Academy members within the epicenter would not be able to hear anything for a long while.

And we thought Krakatoa was loud …

**Author's Note: Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Speedy Gonzales are the property of Warner Brothers. I'd like to let y'all know that I'm working on another fanfic named "Malak Al-Mawt: Angel of Death!" Check it out! :)**

**Smiles,**

**Loki Palmer**


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